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Author archive for: Starshine Roshell

Top 10 Things Mel Brooks Taught Us Last Night

Published by Starshine Roshell on May 14, 2015

It’s good to be the king. Even at 88.
Mel Brooks, the king of farce, treated UCSB Arts & Lectures’ big donors to an evening of funny stories Tuesday night at the Montecito Country Club during a fundraiser for the organization’s Arts Education program.
A longtime lampooner of sacred cows from Jesus and the Nazis to Robin Hood and the Old West, Brooks is best known for writing and directing Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, and The Producers (both the 1968 movie and the recent Broadway version). He’s one of 12 people in the universe to have won Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony awards.
All manic timing, sparkling eyes and understated delivery, Brooks chuckled at his own bits, spit water as a gag, and cracked wise on everything from the mahi mahi on the menu to his cab-driving Uncle Joe.
Here were the top 10 things we learned:
Continue reading Top 10 Things Mel Brooks Taught Us Last Night

Fine, Mom: You Were Right

Published by Starshine Roshell on May 7, 2015

It’s becoming quite clear to me, as these things do.
You told me it would — that one day I’d understand why you did the things you did when I was a kid.
Remember our clashes over curfews, battles about boyfriends, and disputes over driving? Back then your motivation was opaque to me — not mysterious, just whack. We seemed so wildly different: Me a gangly, new-wave, camo-clad poet. You a petite ex-hippie breadwinner with a Motown jones.
We wanted such different things. For example, I wanted to be with my boyfriend at every moment, and you wanted me to occasionally eat, bathe, sleep …
But the enlightenment you predicted has finally arrived. Having kids now myself, I often find myself walking a mile in your strappy stilettos. And I’ll be honest: My feet hurt.
Continue reading Fine, Mom: You Were Right

Go Fund Yourself

Published by Starshine Roshell on April 23, 2015

Let me stop you right now. Before you ask. Before you even launch into your pitch. Because the answer is no.
No, I don’t want to pay your beauty pageant fees. No, I’m not interested in funding your dream of opening a bakery. No, I promise that I cannot be convinced to contribute to your trans surgery.
It feels like every time I log onto social media, I’m being hit up by another grassroots fundraising campaign. But it’s not for the stuff we used to hear about — the stuff I’d happily write a check for. It’s not a family I know facing astronomical medical bills or an earthquake across the globe that left thousands homeless.
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The Cacophony of Corporate Squawk

Published by Starshine Roshell on March 26, 2015

It’s been exactly two years since Sheryl Sandberg published Lean In, her snappily titled womanifesto aimed at leveling the corporate playing field.
Now it’s my turn.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you two other snappy words guaranteed to change the business world for the better:
Shut up.
No, really.
Please. Shut it.
Zip those runaway gabtraps, you prattling project technicians, twaddling strategery administrators, and Chief Blarney Officers.
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Girl to Girl with Piper Kerman, Ex-Con

Published by Starshine Roshell on March 12, 2015

One of my Top Ten Rules for Remaining Alive is to never interrupt an ex-con mid-sentence. But damn it, I couldn’t help it. You see, after spending 13 months in federal prison for drug trafficking, Piper Kerman wrote her memoir Orange Is the New Black to expose the nation’s overcrowded and under-effective correctional system as the hot cinder-block mess that it is. And since her 2005 release, she’s been an outspoken advocate for prison reform. Frankly, who could blame her?
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Bedtime: An Emotional Odyssey

Published by Starshine Roshell on February 26, 2015

He still lets me tuck him in at bedtime. Nine years old, in a big hurry to grow up — but he hasn’t yet booted me from plopping beside him, pulling the covers up to his chin, and humming some hit ’80s song while I drag my fingers through his silky, shaggy mop.
Oh, it’s coming. “I don’t think my friends’ parents tuck them in at night,” he offers casually. “I might be getting too old for this.”
You listen to me, I would say if my teeth weren’t clenched for the express purpose of preventing my saying it. I will be tucking you in when you stumble home from the senior prom shnockered on bad, illegally obtained liquor, and you will like it. … The tucking-in, I mean. Not the liquor. You will very much dislike the liquor. Continue reading Bedtime: An Emotional Odyssey

'City Desk' premieres this Friday

Immune to the Facts?

Published by Starshine Roshell on February 12, 2015

Dear Anti-Vaxxers,
You’re catching a lot of flak for the whole return-of-deadly-diseases-that-were-already-abolished thing. And I feel for you. Experts are saying your refusal to vaccinate your children is to blame for new outbreaks of measles and whooping cough — which was never your intention.
All you want is to protect your kids, right? We have so much access to so many different voices that it’s hard to know what to believe. So we make a choice. We go with our gut. We trust that if we follow our instincts, ignore the “popular” choice, and stand resolute in the face of the bitching masses, our kids will be better for it.
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Remember Boredom?

Published by Starshine Roshell on January 29, 2015

When was the last time you stared hard at nothing? I mean really and truly focused your eyes on precisely zilch, tuned out the clamor and din of your immediate vicinity, followed your unpredictable mind down an unproductive path and just … fully … spaced?

I don’t remember the last time I did that. And I miss it.

My mind has no opportunity to wander anymore; when I find myself teetering on the scraggly edge of boredom — at the gas pump, in the checkout line, in the doctor’s waiting room, even (yes) at especially long stoplights — I gather up every shred of my frazzled attention and heave it at my iPhone screen to see if I can’t lose myself in a trivial text exchange, tumbling-puppy video, or chapter 37 of the audiobook-that-will-not-end.

I realize this is unhealthy behavior. Each time I catch myself doing it, I feel a queasy sort of shame, a sense that I’ve lost or am close to losing something essential and irreplaceable.

I promised myself I’d never become one of those old people who malign new technology as the devil’s work simply because it’s different than what I grew up with. But I’m already lamenting the things we’ve sacrificed to the Digital Age, the stuff smartphones have stolen from us: The ability to remember our best friend’s phone number. Or navigate our own way around a city. Or look something up alphabetically. Or sit and marvel at a sunset without feeling obliged to capture and share it. Or wait for five minutes. For anything. At all.

Continue reading Remember Boredom?

New Year's Resolutions for Laggers

Published by Starshine Roshell on January 15, 2015

Are you like me? Do you find yourself stranded in the middle of January without a single resolution for the New Year? Well, don’t panic. I have a plan for us both.

The reason I haven’t set any goals for 2015 is because it demands personal reflection, which is dreary, and accountability, which is yucky. So instead, I’m going to suggest terrific resolutions that you can make, dear reader. These will not only help you become a better human — they’ll make the world far more pleasant for me. Win-win!

Pick and choose your favorites, but get on it quick. I don’t want to see the old you ever again. This year, you will:

  • Stop checking your cell phone in a dark theater when there is a show going on. Or when you’re out with a friend, for god’s sake.
  • Break yourself of the ugly habit of darkening my doorstep with soul-saving literature of any sort.
  • Never again hawk a loogie where others can see it. Or (blech) hear it.
  • Realize that science is not, in fact, out to kill us, and vaccinate your damned children.
  • Refrain from saying “flushed out” when what you mean is “fleshed out.” You truly don’t want to flesh out anything that you would flush.

Any of these strike your fancy? No? That’s okay. I asked my friends to contribute some, too. They suggest that 2015 be the year you:

  • Learn how hashtags work or else leave them to the young.
  • Cover your mouth — with your arm, not your hand! eww! — when you sneeze or cough.
  • Stop tossing your cigarette butts out the window like the world is your ashtray, ashwipe.
  • Promise to get your next pet from a shelter.
  • Kindly quit using the phrases “I’m a chill dude” and “hit me up” on your online dating profile. You are not, and we will not.
  • Stop handing me receipts that are longer than my legs.
  • Quit inviting people to play games on Facebook. Any games. Just don’t.
  • Allow for the possibility that climate change is real and happening to you right this very minute.
  • Never again aim a camera at your food, no matter how picturesque. Your dinner is not the Grand Canyon.
  • Try really listening when someone is talking to you, rather than merely waiting for the moment you can jump in and talk about you again.
  • If you share a laundry room with others, clean out the dryer lint trap and remove your clothes shortly after they finish drying. Not the next day. Or the day after that. The dryer is not your personal bureau.
  • Resolve to stop pushing your lotion samples on us in your skeevy way at the mall.
  • Enough with the bacon thing. It’s over.
  • In the name of all that is holy, learn the difference between its and it’s, their and they’re, your and you’re, and to and too, and use them properly no matter where you are on the Internets. Get counseling if need be (quickanddirtytips.com/grammar-girl). This ends now.
  • Gladly share the gym’s weight machines with women because you are a gentleman, not a puffed-up, ‘roid-raging sexist.
  • Board the plane only when your group is called, and do not walk down the aisle with a backpack the size of a yak knocking into everyone you pass.
  • Don’t be a douche and stop wherever you feel like it in the school parking lot, and do pull all the way over when you hear a siren. It’s just not that hard.
  • Promise never to park like an idiot. Anywhere. But especially in front of my friend Kate Schwab’s office. Thank you.
  • Never again pick up your phone while driving. If we see you in our rearview mirrors using your phone, we will slam on our brakes and give you the opportunity to explain yourself to the cops — and to get that ding on our rear bumpers fixed on your dime.

Continue reading New Year's Resolutions for Laggers